I kicked ass yesterday. Hell, I've kicked ass everyday since last Saturday. Today, not so much. Yes, everyone deserves a day off and I have been hitting it pretty hard. That said, I knew something else was going on. So I had to ask myself, "What's up? Why are you avoiding? Why are you feeling overwhelmed?"
There is a comfort in the chaos. I know how to deal with it. I don't know what to do with clean and neat. I don't know how to be or who that person is. I've never been her. It's scary. What will I do if I clean my life up and have nothing to beat myself up about? What does that much goodness and happiness look like?
I am afraid of having the life I really want. I am afraid of having the healthy body I want; a body that can move well and do all the things I want it to do. I am afraid of having a clean and clutter free home. I am afraid of really throwing myself into my art. I am just plain afraid.
It sounds so stupid but these are my thoughts and fears. These are the things that keep me stuck and unhappy. These and many others are the things that weigh me down everyday. Some days it is worse than others. Yesterday, I was able to keep it all at bay and kick ass. Today, not so much.
I took the morning/early morning off and lazed in bed. I didn't have a problem with that. I started planning to get up and get to work. You see, I knew I could get my bedroom finished today. That excitement got me up and moving. Then I remembered the bottom shelf of the bookcase in my bedroom. It's completely stuffed with containers of jewelry that are stuffed themselves. Still I kept moving. I cleaned the layers of dust off each one and put them all in a box that I carried out to the living room. My plan is to go through them while I watch my shows tonight and do laundry. Now I just need to tackle the crap on the right side of the bed. Sounds simple, right?
The problem is the dialogue, negativity and anxiety running through my head. It brought me to my knees. It found the most vulnerable moment and attacked. It's trying to keep me down and drown me in overwhelm. And like always, I let it take me down.
There is a difference this time though. I let it take hold so I could figure out it's power over me. I asked all the questions, started writing this post and let the answers flow. Now comes the hard part. Do I have the strength to get back up and fight through it? Can I hold those fears, acknowledge them, and still work towards what scares me? Because I am afraid. Living a happy, full life is completely foreign and unknown to me. It's something I see other people have but it's not something I have ever known. Am I strong and determined enough to work on making it happen despite all the fear?
The answer is yes. It may not be the resounding and hearty yes I would like it to be but it is a yes nonetheless. I would like to tell you I finished the bedroom. The truth is it was too much. The layer of dust and grime that has collected on top of the clutter on the right side of my bed was too much for me to handle today. Instead of letting that stop me cold and preventing me from making any progress today I did something else. That in itself is a huge accomplishment for me.
During our walk on Friday, I told my accountability partner that getting the trash and donations out of the house did not count towards my daily two 15 minute cleaning and decluttering goals. That it wasn't enough progress for me. Then today happens and I think that if I can get that much done today, I will take it as a win.
I got all the trash and recycling taken out. The donations will be loaded in my car and dropped off some time this week. I also did my weekly load of laundry (hung, folded and put away) and went through almost the entire box of jewelry. Yay to continuing to move forward despite all the fears and anxiety!!!
| TODAY | OVERALL | ||
| DONATED: | 40 | 262 | |
| TRASHED: | 10 | 73 | |
| TOTAL: | 41 | 335 |
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