tears

I just feel like crying today. Not really sure why. No particular reason. Not really feeling depressed or anything. Just feeling like I need to cry and mourn for all that's been lost; all that should have been and never was or will be; all the mistakes and the triumphs too. I need to cry for the person I am and the one I will never be and the one I really hope to become. I need to cry for the moments I let slip by and the moments I never would have had no matter how hard I tried. I need to cry right now, so I'm going to.

have a little faith

I see it's been a month since my last post. Wow. Time just flew by. I wish I could say I'd done something fabulous in that amount of time but I haven't. People in my circle of influence have died and others have gotten sick. Some have gotten better and others probably won't. No babies have been born but an impending arrival has been announced. Simply put...life is happening all around. Time marches on whether you are ready for it or not. I heard this song playing in the background of the latest episode of ABC's Brothers & Sisters. It just seemed to express what I'm feeling right now. It's not the song you all think it is, that one is called "Have a little faith in me" slight difference in title yields totally different lyrics. The title below is linked to a youtube video of him performing live so it sounds a bit different than if you were to go buy the track but it's just as great if not even better....

Have A Little Faith as sung by Michael Franti

I know it's hard when you're down
and the bad times seem to follow you around
and they got no reason to show
Don't let it go, oh no
and when it's 3 in the morn
and you've told your whole life story to a telephone
and the radio's the only thing to let you know
You're not alone, oh no

Just have a little faith in me
I'll have a little faith in you
So have a little faith in me
Don't let it go, oh no
And I wish I was there
Just to run my own fingers through your worries and cares
Even though I fumble and fall
Don't let it go, oh no

and when the rain falls down
You know the flower's gonna bloom
and when the hard times come
You know the teacher's in the room
and when the sun comes up
You know that I'll be there for you

Don't let it go, oh no
Just have a little faith in me
I'll have a little faith in you
Uh huh
So have a little faith in me
Don't let it go, oh no

Just have a little faith in me
Uh huh
I'll have a little faith in you
So have a little faith in me
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go

Just be strong for me
I'll be strong for you
Just be strong for me
I'll be strong for you
Just be strong for me
I'll be strong for you
Just be strong for me

Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go

Oh...
Don't let it go

Oh...
Don't let it go

Oh...
Don't let it go
Don't let it go

Written by Trevor Rabin and Michael Keaton
Lyrics copyrighted by Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

oops

Two days without a post and I pretty much got nothing for you today either. Also haven't finished the stuff I started writing last week either. I'm such a slacker! Actually, more like trying not to stress myself out since it seems like I've been trying to do that lately. Why is it that the closer I get to feeling really good about myself and my life the more I do things to undermine it? I understand it from a clinical point-of-view but I HATE it. That may be the worst part of the whole thing. If I could grow and keep moving forward, this shit would be more tolerable. However, all the back sliding and self-sabotaging makes it pretty damn awful. (It may not sound like it but I really am trying to be nicer to myself.)

Probably won't be many posts this week. I realized I was putting myself under way too much pressure and that it was contributing to my everyday craziness more than it was helping. It gets into my "all or nothing" problem; I forget there is a middle ground....

DAILY ACCOUNTING - Friday, Saturday and Sunday
Did a good job of honoring 9-11 without sucking myself into a depression. Had a low-key weekend since I was having "female issues." Feeling pretty good about food choices. Wish I had accomplished something concrete this weekend but I didn't. (Again with the pressure!) Will need to step up the preparations for this coming weekend if I have a prayer of getting anything done on our big scrap weekend. Still not done reading THE TIME TRAVLER'S WIFE either. I love it; but it is not a sit down and devour in one sitting kinda book. Loving VAMPIRE DIARIES but not more than TWILIGHT SAGA. Latest look at NEW MOON is going to haunt my waking and sleeping moments. Isn't it November yet?

not what i expected

The series of pieces I wrote on Sunday/Monday are still not done. I will finish it/them this weekend, though I may hold off from publishing them for another week since I’ll be at a scrapbook retreat next weekend. We’ll see how it goes.

The other night in one of my “desperately want to be asleep but I am not” moments, I wrote the following. After yesterday’s topic, it seemed appropriate to slot it in now…not to mention the fact that I’m dead tired right now and hoping that I can get 8 hours in tonight. Wish me luck!!!

*********************

It’s 2:40am and I’m still awake. What used to be my favorite time of day is beginning to become my least. All the fears and insecurities swirling inside my head are taunting me as I lay in my lonely bed. How did I end up here? This is so not the life I expected to lead.

Nevertheless, it is what it is and only I have the power to change it.

How do you become someone different though? I only know how to be who I am. I am not a person who connects easily with others. It takes a long time for me to let people in (unless we just click but that doesn’t happen a whole lot and especially not with men.) I’m awkward and self-conscious; unsure of what to do or say or how to be. I feel like when I let myself shoot from the hip I say the wrong thing.

I’m not a fan of small talk; left to my own devices I don’t know how not to be intense. I’m really good at the deep things but nothing in between. Of course, I can play the game for short bursts of time as needed to get through the day but when it comes down to it I am a loner. I don’t really fit in most places and even on the rare instances I do feel comfortable, in my mind, I am still on the fringe.

Ironically, several of my friends do not understand this image I have of myself. They think much more highly of me than I think of myself. I tell myself it is because they don’t really see “my ugly side” when in fact I think it is because I have no compassion towards myself most of the time.

I know I am alone and lonely because I have created a life that leaves me that way. So how do you change that? How do you begin to look at yourself as someone who is worthy of loving and being loved in return? How do you consistently make healthy choices that will create the life you want?

It’s a little crazy that the more I get a handle on how my brain works and am able to control my thoughts and emotions, the more it seems I do other stupid things to sabotage myself. It is really frustrating to feel like the life you’ve always wanted is within reach only to have it yanked away. And the sad thing is, unlike the Peanuts where it was always Lucy causing Charlie Brown to fall when she pulled the football back, it is me doing it to myself.

Where are the easy answers, quick fixes, magic wands and fairy godmothers when you really need them? Oh right…they only exist in children’s stories and this is real life – messy and complicated.

DAILY ACCOUNTING
About 6 hours last night. Good food choices today, especially while at the grocery store tonight. Very proud. Also have to say mentally been doing well too. So, whether anyone else ever reads this blog or not, it is helping me!!!

Early and Often

I've been corresponding the past few days with one of the wonderful fan fiction writer's I've come to admire recently. She too has seen her fair share "of tragedy and horror in life" and knows the only way to "find the light" is to "face the darkness." I'm so glad she is learning this at an early age and has had the courage to walk through the fire.

When I was younger, I took a look at the adults in my life and vowed to do things differently. I didn't want to wait until I was in my forties to start dealing with the pain and the tragedy. I also didn't want to inflict my myself onto others and possibly damage them knowing how much healing I needed to do so I kept most people, especially men, from getting too close.

I succeeded in my quest to start healing earlier than my elders; however, I didn't really hit it hard enough. I wasted so much time stuffing and avoiding when things got too bad instead of holding my feet to the fire and purging the toxins out. Who's to say where I would be now had I worked harder at healing earlier? I won't dwell on that thought because it is what it is and I can't change what's already been done. Also, I'm tired of using past actions and decisions like a club to beat myself up with; it only creates more mess. I only mention it because I am fairly certain I might have saved myself more work and not simply added to my problems.

Oh, I know I still would have had issues with my weight and body image but perhaps they would have remained symptoms of the larger problem instead of becoming full blown dramas of their own. And maybe, I would have felt ready to meet a man and start a relationship earlier. See my motto was "I have enough problems of my own, I don't need to add someone else's to the mix just yet." On one hand, I know it was the right decision at the time but on the other hand, we heal through our relationships with others.

Don't get me wrong, I have many friends and a few family members that have been wonderful "healing partners" and I truly was not ready for dating and marriage earlier. However, I wish I had done more on that front so that now when I am ready I would have more experience instead of starting virtually from scratch. It's very hard to be my age chronologically yet still be a teenager/young adult when it comes to the whole male-female relationship thing. It's like one more problem to add to my already full plate.

The isolation did not help my cause. I think trying to bear it alone only made the pain worse. So my lesson for today is start early and often - with healing, developing interpersonal skills, learning how to communicate and, most especially, dealing with your emotions in healthy, positive ways. It is the best gift you can give yourself.

A big thank you to:

• Casket4mytears for her great stories and for taking the time to respond to my missives.
• Gary Zukov for his idea about spiritual partnerships as it resonants with me deeply. His description of "a partnership between equals" helps me make peace with my choices because I know I needed to heal on my own in order to be an equal in marriage.

I highly recommend reading his works as he is an amazing teacher and you are bound to find something to help you with your journey.

DAILY ACCOUNTING
Slept over 6 hours (yipee!). Very good food choices today. For lunch I enjoyed a lovely salad while sitting outside and reading TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE...wonderful!!! Faith Formation board business last few days so not much else happened outside of work.

this spirit, this feeling

"I thought punk started in London," says Bobby.

"No. Of course," says Henry, pushing back his chair, "some people, me included, believe that punk is just the most recent manifestation of this, this spirit, this feeling, you know, that things aren't right and that in fact things are so wrong that the only thing we can do is say Fuck It, over and over again, really loud, until someone stops us."

~ page 205, THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE by Audrey Niffengger



I want to be done screaming, "Fuck it!" while banging my head against the wall because things are so unbelievably wrong. Both inside of myself and outside in the world.

Here's the thing...I can't control anything outside of myself. I can try to influence it, I can do my part; other than that I have absolutely no control over other people. Which, of course, I find utterly frustrating; mostly because sometimes I can't control myself either. I find myself making choices that I know are not healthy for me or doing things I know will provide no long term benefit. I know what I should be doing; I simply cannot make myself do it.

It's easy to reach out to stop someone else who's treating themself badly. I find it extremely difficult trying to stop myself. Yet, I'm tired of waiting for someone else to stop me especially when it is really not their job. I am the only one who has control over me.

DAILY ACCOUNTING
4 hours sleep. Decent food choices but not great.

Ugly Side

I only want you to see my favorite part of me and not my ugly side, not my ugly side.
~ from the song "Ugly Side" by Blue October

Among all the song lyrics rolling around in my head this weekend, the above was the most prevalent. Isn't this what we all want? Who really wants other people to know their faults, weaknesses and shortcomings? Except in sharing these "dark" parts of yourself, you may find that you are not alone. We all have things about ourselves we don't like, wish we could change or don't want to admit too. It's all part of being human.

I spent the day writing what will be my posts later this week. While it is not the first time I have revealed these parts of my story, it is the first time I have ever written them down. Why does that make them so much more real? It’s one thing to know these things happened and to talk about them; it seems it is something else entirely to type them out and examine them. Probably why I’ve avoided it for so long because the process brings a fresh pain. Yet this pain is cathartic; it's the pain of healing not breaking. Which is nice because I've felt broken for way too long....

DAILY ACCOUNTING
Slept, read, wrote and did laundry. Didn't eat a whole lot today which is just as bad as bingeing or eating the wrong things.

STUCK IN THE LEAVING

So I’m a huge TWILIGHT fan. I definitely fall into the obsessive category. It is fair to say the story and the characters are never very far from my mind. The same can be said of Harry Potter but not quite. Some of my friends think I’m crazy and others get it because they are as dazzled as I am. Here’s the really absurd part (and trust me I see the irrationality, it just doesn’t do anything to change it):

I am stuck in the leaving. I sob uncontrollably when he leaves her. The line, “It will be as if I never existed” rips my soul apart. I cry when that scene is shown in the NEW MOON movie trailer and tears spring into my eyes when I see the pictures of it on the internet.

Yes, he comes back. Yes, they get back together and essentially live happily ever after by the end of book four. I know this. And yet it doesn’t seem to matter. I KNOW IT IS FICTION and it doesn’t seem to matter. I cry during HP also but I can take the deaths in stride and knowing how it all ends helps. Not so with TWILIGHT.

I can’t help but feel that there is some larger metaphor that applies to my life that I’m supposed to be getting out of this but I just don’t see it. Instead, all I’m consumed with are thoughts of how the hell am I going to enjoy the premiere of the movie when I’ll probably still be crying when the credits roll? Seriously, do I spend the next few months obsessing on it in an attempt to desensitize myself or just go with the flow and hope that what’s really bugging me will surface. When it does, will I start sleeping regularly again? Are the two even related?

I told you it was irrational and that I am seriously fucked up. Now do you believe me?

DAILY ACCOUNTING
Slept about 8 hours (helps not to have to get up for work!) Read & wrote. Went to church (awesome visiting missionary - I want to keep him!) and out to dinner. Made good food choices today.

[untitled]

When you’re little all adults seem big, and old.

I’m reading THE TIME TRAVELER’S WIFE by Audrey Niffenegger. When Claire said this to Henry on page 13, it started me thinking about turning forty in a few months. Now, this doesn’t bother me in the least. I welcome growing older as I do seem to grow better and wiser. I think that mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I am the best I’ve ever been (the body…not so much).

I was reminded about how when I was young, I thought thirty was old and forty was ancient. I know that’s extremely common; still it is no less odd when you find yourself reaching those milestones. When my mom turned forty I was fifteen-and-a-half and my sister was almost twenty. She’d also been a widow for about sixteen years.

I can’t fathom it. I really can’t. My brain just cannot wrap itself around the concept, which seems really stupid to me because I was there but perspective makes a big difference. How do you survive losing your husband, who was quite literally the love of her life? Then six months later deal with the still-birth of your son while carrying for your newborn girl and 4-year-old daughter? Yes, she had sisters and my grandparents but my aunts all had young children too. In fact, the sister she was closest to had kids the exact same age plus one in between. (I still find it odd that they were both pregnant at virtually the same time. My mom had a miscarriage otherwise they’d have had a matching set.) To make matters worse, less than a year later her mother died and my mom was close to her mom.

None of this is new to me, as these facts have all been part of my story since birth. It’s not the first time I’ve taken these things and examined them under a microscope either and I am certain it won’t be the last. The difference now once again is perspective. How you see these events, how you feel about them changes given where you are in your own life.

As a child I just knew how this all affected me. I grew-up with the knowledge that three people who would have been very important in my life were dead. In fact, I dwelled on it. I convinced myself that my twin brother and I would have been thick as thieves; I would have been a daddy’s girl given that he and I seem to have the same thirst for adventure (something my mom and sister don’t seem to share as they have expressed no desire to see the world the way I wish to); and that my grandmother would have been the doting, cookie-baking type you read about it in books.

And while all of that is entirely possible, it is also far from the only scenario. There are any number of other possibilities that aren’t so picturesque. I never entertained them, preferring the fantasy I had written instead. I see now how my head-in-the-cloud way of looking at life made dealing with reality that much harder. Hell, even now as much as I try to live in the “what is” of the present, that mentality is still my first instinct and still causes problems, most especially when it takes me an inordinate amount of time to realize that I’ve been dreaming again and not living in the moment. It is easy to do though when the moment is too painful. And who doesn’t want to escape now and then.

That’s the point though, isn’t it? The escape needs to remain “now and then” and not consume “most of the time.” It’s a hard balance to strike when you’ve always lived your life at the extremes.

So today’s caution is: DO NOT WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE ALMOST FORTY TO MASTER BALANCE AND PERSPECTIVE. Start now, chickadees, as I can assure you the lesson won’t get easier later. I've been working on it for too many years to count and still miss the boat.

DAILY ACCOUNTING
Stayed up all night purely because I could. Slept about 4 hours because anymore would make going back to work on Tuesday that much harder. Eating well as there are still frozen ho-ho’s in the freezer to attest that they were not my main source of sustenance today. Remembered how much I like my shaved ice machine though it tastes much better with regular kool-aid than it does with the sugar-free kind. I’m sure if I had some tequila in the house it would taste even better!!! Relaxing is going well, making progress on all the things I should be doing…not so much.

mad crash

So I started watching the TV Show MAD MEN. It's a critic's darling and I could start from scratch on blinx so I figured what the heck. The first season was quite depressing not to mention the male chauvinistic bent. Still, I soldiered on giving Season 2 a try, especially because I couldn't figure out what their commentary was on the whole thing. While I still don't really know, I'm glad I kept watching. It lightened up a bit (cinematically and content wise) not to mention that the women are starting to stand up for themselves so now I'm really into it.

What does that have to do with me and the intent of this blog? Well, the main character is this real cad. He's a man-whore of the first caliber, which wouldn't matter if he weren't married. He's just not the nicest guy until you start to see his insecurity and that he had a rough childhood. IN NO WAY DOES THIS EXCUSE HIS BEHAVIOR, it just got me thinking...

We are ALL screwed-up in one way or another. Some of us have more scars than others; some show their scars on their skin while others hide them deep inside. Some of us know we are damaged and others can't quite let themselves see it but it's there nonetheless. No one is unscathed. There is no such thing as normal, really. There are simply those that are less damaged or more healed depending on how you look at it.

So the way I see it, our mission is to heal ourselves while trying to inflict the least amount of pain on anyone we "crash" into. Because that's all we are doing really, from one moment to the next our lives crash into those around us and we have to do our best to survive the impact. It strikes me that some may view this as a very depressing or pessimistic view of life - though one that I know others share (witness the movie CRASH). But to me it isn't. For me, it is reminding me to treat everyone around me better, especially those that annoy me the most because I think they might be the most damaged of all or they just mirror back the worst of my pain - either way, I need to cut them more slack. I also think it's helping me be nicer to myself - as I am my own worst enemy (aren't we all).

Also, since I started pondering this idea, I've noticed I haven't wished for my deserted island as much the last few weeks either. See, as much as we may not like other people because they get on our nerves, the truth is life is all about the people. So, isn't it better to learn to accept that and in the process maybe learn to like them more? Dunno, since I'm just now trying it out but I'll let you know!!!!

"Damaged people are dangerous. They know they can survive."
~ from DAMAGED by Josephine Hart

DAILY ACCOUNTING
About 6 hours of sleep. Wonderful lunch today. Campus Administrators acted as "celebrity servers" to raise money for United Way. Hope this becomes an annual tradition as it was so much fun. Food was good too. Pretty good food choices today until I got home late and dinner became whatever I could instantly shove into my mouth. Now, if I would have more self-control at the grocery store this wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing but since I have frozen ho-ho's you can see that it's not too good..... ;-)

Blame it on EW

The Visa ad says, "Go for it! Don't be afraid to bomb - do everything. It's better to regret action than inaction." I would agree with that. I regret all the things I didn't do when I had the opportunity (never made it to the top of the Twin Towers the entire 6 years I lived there....I kept waiting for someone to visit so I could go with them) more than anything I actually did do.

As quotes go though, I still prefer "Je ne regrette pas." Loosely translated it means "I have no regrets." I read that in a book a very, very long time ago. Had to be before I was 17 because I remember we still lived in West Covina. I don't think I did a very good job of using that as my life motto, which I had vowed to do. I have way too many regrets. I won't go there as I don't want to turn this into a pity party, let's just leave it at I hope I do better from here on in.

I think it is most important to have no regrets when it comes to people versus things or actions. The worst regret is wishing you had said or done something with someone only to have them pass away. Though there is the opposite problem too, wishing you had not said or done something to someone then not being able to apologize for it.

All I can hear now in my head are the lyrics to "My Favorite Regret" by The Gigolo Aunts so I'm going to stop now. It's leading me down a path I choose not to go tonight.

DAILY ACCOUNTING
Still not getting enough sleep (starting to think it could have something to do with the panic attack I had last week, first one in a very long time...need to explore that thought more). Woke-up nauseous and dizzy (blaming it on the new sleeping pill). Called in to work for at least the first half of the day. Woke up feeling much better and began to head into work only to be waylaid by a very flat tire. Took it instride - no histrionics or catastrophizing - so YEA ME! Helps that the whole thing cost me less than $40 though too. Pretty good food day and got in a nice walk.

It’s an aesthetic thing

I envy the skinny girls who smoke and don’t eat and go through men like I go through chocolate. I know I shouldn’t because they are just as screwed-up as I am; it simply manifests differently in them. Here’s the difference: society likes skinny and screwed-up more than they like fat and screwed-up. It’s an aesthetic thing. Do I blame them? Heck no, I am them! I like skinny and screwed-up better too. Where do you think all the self-loathing comes from? Duh.

The point is it doesn’t get me anywhere but more fat. Vicious bitch that catch-22. She gets you every chance she can. You don’t like yourself so you eat; you eat crap, you don’t like yourself. Ugh. I am my own worst enemy and critic. That’s why I really don’t need other people to critique me, get enough already from the voice inside my head thank you. That’s also why I’m always expecting others to be judging and criticizing me. I KNOW I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I don’t need anyone else to confirm it for me.

For the record, I actually like healthy the best both in weight and mental status. My friends Diversity and Chipper are the best examples of that, although I think Diversity spends too much time obsessing about her body image too. She’s fucking gorgeous – like movie star gorgeous. It makes me sad because if she’s got issues then it only makes sense that I would have issues and there comes that vicious bitch catch-22 poking her head in again. She’s fucking everywhere.

*SIDE NOTE: For those that seem a bit worried about me, I really am okay. Yes, I was pretty depressed this summer but I'm coming out the other side of it right now. I actually feel really good and am excited to see how things unfold in my life right now since I'm stepping out of my comfort zone, taking some risks and getting involved. It also feels really good to have thrown a layer or two of the veils I've been hiding behind off. Obviously, I never turn down prayers or encouragement, just don't be worried. ;-)

DAILY ACCOUNTING:
Less than 5 hours last night (though oddly enough I felt better today with less sleep than I did the day before....go figure). Ate very well today - yea me! *pats herself on back* Youngest niece turned 12 today. My goodness where did the time go? Still working on her b-day present and now the clock starts to get oldest niece's b-day present done too. Must find more hours in the day or days in the week.....

serenity/courage/wisdom

Courage is knowing what not to fear. ~ Plato, philosopher and mathematician

What an apropos quote to be e-mailed yesterday. I had not heard this one before (or if I had, it didn't stick). I had intended to continue the open letter today but on seeing this quote will digress instead. I will return to the open letter because, quite frankly, I think that's what this blog is really about....well, in addition to being another tool for me to continue my growth and evolution.

I like using the key words in the Serenity Prayer as a breath prayer. The wonderful Nancy taught me about breath prayer. I can hear her calm, soothing voice saying, "breath in all that is God and breath out all that is not." She would talk about picking key word pairs to use. I love using the three words in the title (courage or strength depending on my preference of the day) because you breath them in and out, which I think is important. When you only use two words, you always breathe one in and the other out. With these three I find it important to do both with each quality. I think you need them inside and, at the same time, you need to project them out into the Universe too. I use this trio the most, whether I need to be calmed or soothed or pumped up.

Serenity/peace is something I seek everyday. I need it inside me and around me. It's one of the things I crave the most. Not surprising given the chaos and craziness I've endured in my life. The almost constant anxiousness waiting for the worst to happen takes its toll. Those moments of sweet peace are better than the richest, smoothest caramel.

Thing about peace is that it has to come from within. It's not something you can just absorb from the outside. You have to find it inside - no matter how loud the cacophony beating you down inside your head gets, you have to know that you can silence it. Much easier said than done but with practice I can find those moments of quiet, which means that anyone can. And you can make the moments last longer each time. I believe, though I haven't arrived there yet myself, that you can even make the moments stretch on for eternity. Ah, what bliss.....

But here is the catch, the most important piece I learned about serenity (and I discovered it on the front of a journal in Half-Price Books): Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm ~ author unknown. See I thought peace meant nothing would ever rock my boat again. And in order to never have my boat rocked I decided to stop sailing or even visiting the water. I thought I could only have peace when I was alone. I didn't think it was possible to have that peace with other people around. Now how the hell do you achieve that 24/7 when you aren't a millionare?

I had it so very wrong. My skewed version of peace was really another way to isolate and be alone. And trust me, with the crap inside my head, even when I'm alone I can't find peace. So serenity is about getting in the boat and trusting that even if I find myself in the middle of the perfect storm that I can handle it without "losing it" or wreaking havoc. The storm itself may cause wreckage but I don't have to. And if I don't think I can participate without being that shrew, I can seek shelter by walking away and gathering myself before returning to the fray.

Another key thing though, you have to participate in life to hone those skills. You don't get better at handling this messy thing called life by hiding. You have to go out into the world and interact with other people. You have to put yourself out there warts and all. I feel like I started to do that this past year with the scrap club. I've challenged myself to step it up this year. So far I've been true to my word by writing this blog, hanging with my pal Diversity and agreeing to be on the Board of Faith Formation at Church. It'll be interesting to see what the year brings.


FOR THE RECORD
There is nothing wrong with 12-step programs and I applaud anyone that has ever been in one. It takes guts to help yourself and they work. I have never been a 12-stepper. If I had been an alcoholic or a drug addict, I would have. Yes, they have them for food addiction and other things; still, I have not been. My point in saying this is don't automatically assume things about people just because they have an affinity for the Serenity Prayer. It does not automatically mean someone is a 12-stepper. It is a prayer after all. Better to assume religion/spirituality as it really indicates their belief in a higher power.

DAILY ACCOUNTING
Got about 6 hours last night. Better but not good enough. I swear I tried going to bed at 11:30pm and it was still after 2am before I was asleep. Sheesh. Made it to work on time and got a good parking space. Flipped the peace sign once on the drive. You really should try it. It does make me feel better and so far I haven't gotten as angry at the other drivers who persist in trying to kill me. Ate better but not great. Accomplished next to nothing once I got home. Now, it's 1am so I'm not really going to get much sleep again tonight....crap.

AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL YOUNG WOMEN, MOST ESPECIALLY MY NIECES:

Do me a favor and live your life fully. I don’t want you to end up like me. Do better than I have. Don’t hide and isolate; stuffing your pain inside. I’m not hiding anything. I wear it as extra weight that creates even more problems, adding its own brand of pain to it all.

The way out of the pain is to go through it and the best way is to share what you are feeling with others. Talking and crying helps, at the right times, with people who truly understand. Talking helps you make sense of it all; it helps wrap your brain around whatever it is you are dealing with so you can fix it; manage it; deal with it; overcome it; or just survive it. Crying purges and cleanses; it gets feelings out in a visceral way nothing else can touch. I miss my friend Anna because she knew how to let someone cry. She would hold my hand and rub my back and bring me water and Kleenex. She would sit there while I sobbed; horrible, gut-wrenching, keening sounds trying to get the pain out. I miss that because I can’t do that for myself. I can’t bare it alone so I let some tears flow then make myself move on with out really letting the well run dry.

She was so amazing, my friend Anna. She saw me through a lot of crap those first few years in NYC when I first began dealing with having been sexually abused as a child, plus all the new startling revelations about cousins on both sides of the family have been sexually abused as well. Then again, she hid her pain, never letting us help her. Don’t be that way. You can’t just give, you have to learn how to receive. It’s disrespectful to those who love you to not let them give back. It’s another form of with-holding, hiding and controlling. Let it out; let go. I’m not saying do it with just anyone and everyone - that's a "hell no." Trusting the wrong person with your deepest feelings will only cause you more pain. When you find those people who get you, cherish those relationships and tend to them closely.

It should be an even exchange, not all about you and not all about them. It will go in cycles, of course, just be careful of those that will suck you dry without a thought. And don’t be the person that is toxic. The healthier you are mentally and emotionally, the easier that will be. This is why I say start learning that shit now while you’re young so you can deal with things as they happen instead of letting them pile up until you are so fucked-up you feel beyond help. Personally, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a person that’s beyond help but the more baggage you have the harder the whole processes is. And, as I am one of those with a mountain of baggage, listen to the expert.

I’m going to be forty-fucking-years-old and I’m still a teenager emotionally and socially. It’s so sick and pathetic. I don’t want you to end up here.

My fondest wish for you, for all you of girls, is to grow-up into strong, confident women; women who live life and don’t shy away from it. My friends Bluebird and Diversity are like that. I’d say my friend Nightingale is about half-way between. She makes many more forays into life than I do but still retreats and hides.

Half-way is bullshit. Jump in all the way. I’m not saying be stupid and throw caution to the wind; that’s not the same thing at all. I’m saying say yes to life and opportunities as scary as they may be. Try new things. Don’t be afraid to fail; you learn more by failing than by succeeding.

Most of all, don’t be afraid of being hurt. It’s a natural part of life. It is a fact that you are going to get hurt, get used to it. Your choice is whether to hurt yourself by hiding or live and let life bring what pain it will to your doorstep. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised that there is more good than bad waiting out there for you. If you live consciously with your eyes open and listening to your intuition, dealing with what really is instead of romanticizing or dramatizing or just plain wishing it was different, you’ll find you won’t get hurt as much as you think.

I think wishing my life away may be the biggest sin I've committed. I spent too many years fighting the truth of my life instead of embracing it. And I mean things I could never change like my dad's death and losing my twin brother. I was told once that if I was going to play the "what if" game I needed to play it to it's conclusion and to look at both sides. The was the best thing anyone could have ever done for me. Instead of mourning all the wonderful ways my life would have been better had my father lived, I had to accept that perhaps God spared me from something worse than the crap I've had to deal with. Try to look at everything from more than just one perspective; you may find what you're looking for if you see the whole elephant and not just the trunk.

Eckhart Tolle talks about “thought-created problems” in his book THE HEALING POWER OF NOW. He’s really on to something. We let our minds run amok and create problems where there were none. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take classes on interpersonal skills and relationships; how to talk to people and have conversations about the difficult things. THAT is the stuff you will use in every facet of your life. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home these are DEFINITELY not skills you have. They count towards your college degree so take them already. For those not in college, boy do I have a list of books for you to read.



***I told you I suck at nicknames. Anna doesn’t get one because I’ve been trying to track her down and cannot find her (talk about falling off the face of the earth) so the chances of her reading this are zero and just in case she does I want her to know I still think about her and wish I hadn’t lost track of her. I’m so anal I’ve started a legend for myself so I can keep track of the nicknames I’ve given others. Yeesh. Bluebird, Diversity and Nightingale? Seriously? I think I’m stuck with them now too. *shudders, sighs and tries to move the fuck on*

DAILY ACCOUNTING:
Once again stayed up way to late and did not get enough sleep. Still, I got up and made it to work on time. Ate a bit better today. Made some progress on the birthday present. Started using the peace sign instead of my middle finger during my moments of road rage and I have to say it did make it better!!!!

on-line honesty

I’m sure I’ll abandon this the way I’ve done with just about everything else in my life I haven’t followed through with but I’m willing to give it a go. I’ve kinda got nothing left to lose at this point.

Someone says that if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got. Well, I’m thinking it’s time I did something different, beyond time.

I’ve spent most of my life up until this point hiding and being afraid.

• Hiding who I really am inside because I felt like if people really knew me they’d see me for the Frankenstein monster I really am and, well, we all know what the villagers tried to do to him.
  
• Being afraid that if people truly knew how fucked-up I was that I’d be in a padded cell faster than you can spell C-R-A-Z-Y. Let’s face it, white is just not my color.

With the big 4-0 looming large, it’s about damn time I stopped, don’t you think.

Over the past few years, I’ve started revealing things to other people and have found out that I’m not as “abnormal” as I think. Not only that, I’ve made some new friends that think I’m pretty great. Then there are my long-time friends, of which I have quite a few, that have always embraced me so I can’t be as horrible person as I’ve made myself feel.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not for everyone. I’ve never believed in the “one-size fits all” theory anyway so, of course, there will be people that do think I need to be committed; will not understand me one little bit; and will think I should just fucking fall off the face of the earth already. Everyone has their critics; I’m not special so I won’t be exempt. So to those “haters” I say: I have spent enough years of my life trying to please people that cannot be pleased so you can go take a long walk of a short pier. (I really wanted to say “go fuck yourself” but was trying to be more diplomatic than that and I’ve always loved this particular saying from my childhood.) Besides, the haters will probably be the people I wish would fucking fall off the face of the earth already so fair is fair, right?

Where did I get the courage to do this? I don’t know. I think it’s from all the lovely fan fiction writers. Whether their stories are wickedly good or amazingly bad, they put themselves out there. It’s been the same with my amazingly talented actor/writer/director/singer-songwriter friends. THEY PUT THEMSELVES OUT THERE. I don’t really do that – put myself out there. I’ve been too afraid of what people would think; too wrapped up with caring whether I would be liked or not; too scared of rejection. Like that’s really the worst thing in the world. It’s not.

The worst thing in the world is losing people you love; spending the rest of your life missing them and wishing you’d been more present in their life. Even worse than that is still continuing to withhold yourself from those that are still alive. Not letting them know everyday how much you love and care about them because you are too wrapped up in your own crap to reach out. Yeah, that’s worse because you know better; they can be lost in an instant and then you’d be adding another piece of baggage to the pile. Not the best way to live life I can assure you. Time marches on whether you participate in life or not and you cannot get the moments you wasted back.

So, because I have no interesting pieces of fan fiction bubbling up inside me; I’m not an amazingly talented actor/writer/director/singer-songwriter even though I desperately wish I was; and I’m still too afraid to put my art out there (hell, I’m still too afraid to produce it most of the time for fear of failure, but that’s another baby step for another day), I’m going to put another talent I have to use: my thinking and analyzing skills.

In junior high I was given by some friends a “Dear Abby” type of award. (I still have the little figurine too. I need to dig that out when I’m in California next and bring it back home with me.) I’ve always been the advice dispenser. It is something good that comes out of my hiding (or lurking in the fan fic world). I stand on the side-lines and watch; trying to figure out people and life in general. I get things on a level that others don’t. I can see problems from a perspective some people can’t. Also, I’ve spent half my life now trying to heal my own wounds - that’s a lot of therapy hours, self-help books and self-help discussions on TV. Not surprising since at one point I was studying to become a psychologist and find myself thinking I really should go back and pursue it. Also, I discovered long ago that my desire to study people, learn what makes them they way they are and to figure out this thing called life is what fuels my interest in theatre, TV, movies and books.

A co-worker keeps telling me I need to write a book because I always know how to help her and give the best advice. While it’s flattering beyond belief, I know I’m no expert and just relating what I know to be true or some piece of advice that I’m trying to put into action in my own life. All of which is easier said than done to be sure.

I’m really going to do my best to keep this about me and not speak on behalf of the other people in my life. That said, there are people in my life and I’ll want to mention them from time-to-time as stories and writing warrant. Most won’t give a crap about being anonymous; some might really want to be. I’m not all that clever so even if I do use nicknames to protect the innocent, people that know me will still be able to figure out who they are so is it even worth the effort? I don’t know. We shall see as we move along. And if anyone actually reads this, they can let me know their opinion, especially if they are the person in question.

DAILY ACCOUNTING*:
Went to bed way too late so got up way too late. Laundry and dishes done though still no real progress on b-day present for youngest niece. Read, wrote and chatted with my cousin. Ate poorly today too.
Hours before I need to be awake for work: 8.

YESTERDAY’S ACCOUNTING:
Showered and out of the house by 10am (on a Saturday! – yea me!!!). Picked-up book and dvds from the library then headed to the movies. Saw TIME TRAVELER’S WIFE and HALF-BLOOD PRINCE (2nd time) then did some shopping before church. Ate dinner while watching ELLA ENCHANTED, wasted a colossal amount of time on the computer, then chatted with middle niece and her friend on facebook until after 4am. Laundry and dishes still not done. No progress on b-day present for youngest niece and ate pretty poorly.

*Daily Accounting is my nod to Bridget Jones. Is it a way to beat myself up? Probably. I’m more hoping it’ll be the kick in the ass I need to make some more changes in my life.