Early and Often

I've been corresponding the past few days with one of the wonderful fan fiction writer's I've come to admire recently. She too has seen her fair share "of tragedy and horror in life" and knows the only way to "find the light" is to "face the darkness." I'm so glad she is learning this at an early age and has had the courage to walk through the fire.

When I was younger, I took a look at the adults in my life and vowed to do things differently. I didn't want to wait until I was in my forties to start dealing with the pain and the tragedy. I also didn't want to inflict my myself onto others and possibly damage them knowing how much healing I needed to do so I kept most people, especially men, from getting too close.

I succeeded in my quest to start healing earlier than my elders; however, I didn't really hit it hard enough. I wasted so much time stuffing and avoiding when things got too bad instead of holding my feet to the fire and purging the toxins out. Who's to say where I would be now had I worked harder at healing earlier? I won't dwell on that thought because it is what it is and I can't change what's already been done. Also, I'm tired of using past actions and decisions like a club to beat myself up with; it only creates more mess. I only mention it because I am fairly certain I might have saved myself more work and not simply added to my problems.

Oh, I know I still would have had issues with my weight and body image but perhaps they would have remained symptoms of the larger problem instead of becoming full blown dramas of their own. And maybe, I would have felt ready to meet a man and start a relationship earlier. See my motto was "I have enough problems of my own, I don't need to add someone else's to the mix just yet." On one hand, I know it was the right decision at the time but on the other hand, we heal through our relationships with others.

Don't get me wrong, I have many friends and a few family members that have been wonderful "healing partners" and I truly was not ready for dating and marriage earlier. However, I wish I had done more on that front so that now when I am ready I would have more experience instead of starting virtually from scratch. It's very hard to be my age chronologically yet still be a teenager/young adult when it comes to the whole male-female relationship thing. It's like one more problem to add to my already full plate.

The isolation did not help my cause. I think trying to bear it alone only made the pain worse. So my lesson for today is start early and often - with healing, developing interpersonal skills, learning how to communicate and, most especially, dealing with your emotions in healthy, positive ways. It is the best gift you can give yourself.

A big thank you to:

• Casket4mytears for her great stories and for taking the time to respond to my missives.
• Gary Zukov for his idea about spiritual partnerships as it resonants with me deeply. His description of "a partnership between equals" helps me make peace with my choices because I know I needed to heal on my own in order to be an equal in marriage.

I highly recommend reading his works as he is an amazing teacher and you are bound to find something to help you with your journey.

DAILY ACCOUNTING
Slept over 6 hours (yipee!). Very good food choices today. For lunch I enjoyed a lovely salad while sitting outside and reading TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE...wonderful!!! Faith Formation board business last few days so not much else happened outside of work.