It’s an aesthetic thing

I envy the skinny girls who smoke and don’t eat and go through men like I go through chocolate. I know I shouldn’t because they are just as screwed-up as I am; it simply manifests differently in them. Here’s the difference: society likes skinny and screwed-up more than they like fat and screwed-up. It’s an aesthetic thing. Do I blame them? Heck no, I am them! I like skinny and screwed-up better too. Where do you think all the self-loathing comes from? Duh.

The point is it doesn’t get me anywhere but more fat. Vicious bitch that catch-22. She gets you every chance she can. You don’t like yourself so you eat; you eat crap, you don’t like yourself. Ugh. I am my own worst enemy and critic. That’s why I really don’t need other people to critique me, get enough already from the voice inside my head thank you. That’s also why I’m always expecting others to be judging and criticizing me. I KNOW I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH, I don’t need anyone else to confirm it for me.

For the record, I actually like healthy the best both in weight and mental status. My friends Diversity and Chipper are the best examples of that, although I think Diversity spends too much time obsessing about her body image too. She’s fucking gorgeous – like movie star gorgeous. It makes me sad because if she’s got issues then it only makes sense that I would have issues and there comes that vicious bitch catch-22 poking her head in again. She’s fucking everywhere.

*SIDE NOTE: For those that seem a bit worried about me, I really am okay. Yes, I was pretty depressed this summer but I'm coming out the other side of it right now. I actually feel really good and am excited to see how things unfold in my life right now since I'm stepping out of my comfort zone, taking some risks and getting involved. It also feels really good to have thrown a layer or two of the veils I've been hiding behind off. Obviously, I never turn down prayers or encouragement, just don't be worried. ;-)

DAILY ACCOUNTING:
Less than 5 hours last night (though oddly enough I felt better today with less sleep than I did the day before....go figure). Ate very well today - yea me! *pats herself on back* Youngest niece turned 12 today. My goodness where did the time go? Still working on her b-day present and now the clock starts to get oldest niece's b-day present done too. Must find more hours in the day or days in the week.....