Do me a favor and live your life fully. I don’t want you to end up like me. Do better than I have. Don’t hide and isolate; stuffing your pain inside. I’m not hiding anything. I wear it as extra weight that creates even more problems, adding its own brand of pain to it all.
The way out of the pain is to go through it and the best way is to share what you are feeling with others. Talking and crying helps, at the right times, with people who truly understand. Talking helps you make sense of it all; it helps wrap your brain around whatever it is you are dealing with so you can fix it; manage it; deal with it; overcome it; or just survive it. Crying purges and cleanses; it gets feelings out in a visceral way nothing else can touch. I miss my friend Anna because she knew how to let someone cry. She would hold my hand and rub my back and bring me water and Kleenex. She would sit there while I sobbed; horrible, gut-wrenching, keening sounds trying to get the pain out. I miss that because I can’t do that for myself. I can’t bare it alone so I let some tears flow then make myself move on with out really letting the well run dry.
She was so amazing, my friend Anna. She saw me through a lot of crap those first few years in NYC when I first began dealing with having been sexually abused as a child, plus all the new startling revelations about cousins on both sides of the family have been sexually abused as well. Then again, she hid her pain, never letting us help her. Don’t be that way. You can’t just give, you have to learn how to receive. It’s disrespectful to those who love you to not let them give back. It’s another form of with-holding, hiding and controlling. Let it out; let go. I’m not saying do it with just anyone and everyone - that's a "hell no." Trusting the wrong person with your deepest feelings will only cause you more pain. When you find those people who get you, cherish those relationships and tend to them closely.
It should be an even exchange, not all about you and not all about them. It will go in cycles, of course, just be careful of those that will suck you dry without a thought. And don’t be the person that is toxic. The healthier you are mentally and emotionally, the easier that will be. This is why I say start learning that shit now while you’re young so you can deal with things as they happen instead of letting them pile up until you are so fucked-up you feel beyond help. Personally, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a person that’s beyond help but the more baggage you have the harder the whole processes is. And, as I am one of those with a mountain of baggage, listen to the expert.
I’m going to be forty-fucking-years-old and I’m still a teenager emotionally and socially. It’s so sick and pathetic. I don’t want you to end up here.
My fondest wish for you, for all you of girls, is to grow-up into strong, confident women; women who live life and don’t shy away from it. My friends Bluebird and Diversity are like that. I’d say my friend Nightingale is about half-way between. She makes many more forays into life than I do but still retreats and hides.
Half-way is bullshit. Jump in all the way. I’m not saying be stupid and throw caution to the wind; that’s not the same thing at all. I’m saying say yes to life and opportunities as scary as they may be. Try new things. Don’t be afraid to fail; you learn more by failing than by succeeding.
Most of all, don’t be afraid of being hurt. It’s a natural part of life. It is a fact that you are going to get hurt, get used to it. Your choice is whether to hurt yourself by hiding or live and let life bring what pain it will to your doorstep. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised that there is more good than bad waiting out there for you. If you live consciously with your eyes open and listening to your intuition, dealing with what really is instead of romanticizing or dramatizing or just plain wishing it was different, you’ll find you won’t get hurt as much as you think.
I think wishing my life away may be the biggest sin I've committed. I spent too many years fighting the truth of my life instead of embracing it. And I mean things I could never change like my dad's death and losing my twin brother. I was told once that if I was going to play the "what if" game I needed to play it to it's conclusion and to look at both sides. The was the best thing anyone could have ever done for me. Instead of mourning all the wonderful ways my life would have been better had my father lived, I had to accept that perhaps God spared me from something worse than the crap I've had to deal with. Try to look at everything from more than just one perspective; you may find what you're looking for if you see the whole elephant and not just the trunk.
Eckhart Tolle talks about “thought-created problems” in his book THE HEALING POWER OF NOW. He’s really on to something. We let our minds run amok and create problems where there were none. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take classes on interpersonal skills and relationships; how to talk to people and have conversations about the difficult things. THAT is the stuff you will use in every facet of your life. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home these are DEFINITELY not skills you have. They count towards your college degree so take them already. For those not in college, boy do I have a list of books for you to read.
***I told you I suck at nicknames. Anna doesn’t get one because I’ve been trying to track her down and cannot find her (talk about falling off the face of the earth) so the chances of her reading this are zero and just in case she does I want her to know I still think about her and wish I hadn’t lost track of her. I’m so anal I’ve started a legend for myself so I can keep track of the nicknames I’ve given others. Yeesh. Bluebird, Diversity and Nightingale? Seriously? I think I’m stuck with them now too. *shudders, sighs and tries to move the fuck on*
DAILY ACCOUNTING:
Once again stayed up way to late and did not get enough sleep. Still, I got up and made it to work on time. Ate a bit better today. Made some progress on the birthday present. Started using the peace sign instead of my middle finger during my moments of road rage and I have to say it did make it better!!!!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
on-line honesty
I’m sure I’ll abandon this the way I’ve done with just about everything else in my life I haven’t followed through with but I’m willing to give it a go. I’ve kinda got nothing left to lose at this point.
Someone says that if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got. Well, I’m thinking it’s time I did something different, beyond time.
I’ve spent most of my life up until this point hiding and being afraid.
- Hiding who I really am inside because I felt like if people really knew me they’d see me for the Frankenstein monster I really am and, well, we all know what the villagers tried to do to him.
- Being afraid that if people truly knew how fucked-up I was that I’d be in a padded cell faster than you can spell C-R-A-Z-Y. Let’s face it, white is just not my color.
With the big 4-0 looming large, it’s about damn time I stopped, don’t you think.
Over the past few years, I’ve started revealing things to other people and have found out that I’m not as “abnormal” as I think. Not only that, I’ve made some new friends that think I’m pretty great. Then there are my long-time friends, of which I have quite a few, that have always embraced me so I can’t be as horrible person as I’ve made myself feel.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not for everyone. I’ve never believed in the “one-size fits all” theory anyway so, of course, there will be people that do think I need to be committed; will not understand me one little bit; and will think I should just fucking fall off the face of the earth already. Everyone has their critics; I’m not special so I won’t be exempt. So to those “haters” I say: I have spent enough years of my life trying to please people that cannot be pleased so you can go take a long walk of a short pier. (I really wanted to say “go fuck yourself” but was trying to be more diplomatic than that and I’ve always loved this particular saying from my childhood.) Besides, the haters will probably be the people I wish would fucking fall off the face of the earth already so fair is fair, right?
Where did I get the courage to do this? I don’t know. I think it’s from all the lovely fan fiction writers. Whether their stories are wickedly good or amazingly bad, they put themselves out there. It’s been the same with my amazingly talented actor/writer/director/singer-songwriter friends. THEY PUT THEMSELVES OUT THERE. I don’t really do that – put myself out there. I’ve been too afraid of what people would think; too wrapped up with caring whether I would be liked or not; too scared of rejection. Like that’s really the worst thing in the world. It’s not.
The worst thing in the world is losing people you love; spending the rest of your life missing them and wishing you’d been more present in their life. Even worse than that is still continuing to withhold yourself from those that are still alive. Not letting them know everyday how much you love and care about them because you are too wrapped up in your own crap to reach out. Yeah, that’s worse because you know better; they can be lost in an instant and then you’d be adding another piece of baggage to the pile. Not the best way to live life I can assure you. Time marches on whether you participate in life or not and you cannot get the moments you wasted back.
So, because I have no interesting pieces of fan fiction bubbling up inside me; I’m not an amazingly talented actor/writer/director/singer-songwriter even though I desperately wish I was; and I’m still too afraid to put my art out there (hell, I’m still too afraid to produce it most of the time for fear of failure, but that’s another baby step for another day), I’m going to put another talent I have to use: my thinking and analyzing skills.
In junior high I was given by some friends a “Dear Abby” type of award. (I still have the little figurine too. I need to dig that out when I’m in California next and bring it back home with me.) I’ve always been the advice dispenser. It is something good that comes out of my hiding (or lurking in the fan fic world). I stand on the side-lines and watch; trying to figure out people and life in general. I get things on a level that others don’t. I can see problems from a perspective some people can’t. Also, I’ve spent half my life now trying to heal my own wounds - that’s a lot of therapy hours, self-help books and self-help discussions on TV. Not surprising since at one point I was studying to become a psychologist and find myself thinking I really should go back and pursue it. Also, I discovered long ago that my desire to study people, learn what makes them they way they are and to figure out this thing called life is what fuels my interest in theatre, TV, movies and books.
A co-worker keeps telling me I need to write a book because I always know how to help her and give the best advice. While it’s flattering beyond belief, I know I’m no expert and just relating what I know to be true or some piece of advice that I’m trying to put into action in my own life. All of which is easier said than done to be sure.
I’m really going to do my best to keep this about me and not speak on behalf of the other people in my life. That said, there are people in my life and I’ll want to mention them from time-to-time as stories and writing warrant. Most won’t give a crap about being anonymous; some might really want to be. I’m not all that clever so even if I do use nicknames to protect the innocent, people that know me will still be able to figure out who they are so is it even worth the effort? I don’t know. We shall see as we move along. And if anyone actually reads this, they can let me know their opinion, especially if they are the person in question.
DAILY ACCOUNTING*:
Went to bed way too late so got up way too late. Laundry and dishes done though still no real progress on b-day present for youngest niece. Read, wrote and chatted with my cousin. Ate poorly today too.
Hours before I need to be awake for work: 8.
YESTERDAY’S ACCOUNTING:
Showered and out of the house by 10am (on a Saturday! – yea me!!!). Picked-up book and dvds from the library then headed to the movies. Saw TIME TRAVELER’S WIFE and HALF-BLOOD PRINCE (2nd time) then did some shopping before church. Ate dinner while watching ELLA ENCHANTED, wasted a colossal amount of time on the computer, then chatted with middle niece and her friend on facebook until after 4am. Laundry and dishes still not done. No progress on b-day present for youngest niece and ate pretty poorly.
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