I’m sure I’ll abandon this the way I’ve done with just about everything else in my life I haven’t followed through with but I’m willing to give it a go. I’ve kinda got nothing left to lose at this point.
Someone says that if you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got. Well, I’m thinking it’s time I did something different, beyond time.
I’ve spent most of my life up until this point hiding and being afraid.
- Hiding who I really am inside because I felt like if people really knew me they’d see me for the Frankenstein monster I really am and, well, we all know what the villagers tried to do to him.
- Being afraid that if people truly knew how fucked-up I was that I’d be in a padded cell faster than you can spell C-R-A-Z-Y. Let’s face it, white is just not my color.
With the big 4-0 looming large, it’s about damn time I stopped, don’t you think.
Over the past few years, I’ve started revealing things to other people and have found out that I’m not as “abnormal” as I think. Not only that, I’ve made some new friends that think I’m pretty great. Then there are my long-time friends, of which I have quite a few, that have always embraced me so I can’t be as horrible person as I’ve made myself feel.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not for everyone. I’ve never believed in the “one-size fits all” theory anyway so, of course, there will be people that do think I need to be committed; will not understand me one little bit; and will think I should just fucking fall off the face of the earth already. Everyone has their critics; I’m not special so I won’t be exempt. So to those “haters” I say: I have spent enough years of my life trying to please people that cannot be pleased so you can go take a long walk of a short pier. (I really wanted to say “go fuck yourself” but was trying to be more diplomatic than that and I’ve always loved this particular saying from my childhood.) Besides, the haters will probably be the people I wish would fucking fall off the face of the earth already so fair is fair, right?
Where did I get the courage to do this? I don’t know. I think it’s from all the lovely fan fiction writers. Whether their stories are wickedly good or amazingly bad, they put themselves out there. It’s been the same with my amazingly talented actor/writer/director/singer-songwriter friends. THEY PUT THEMSELVES OUT THERE. I don’t really do that – put myself out there. I’ve been too afraid of what people would think; too wrapped up with caring whether I would be liked or not; too scared of rejection. Like that’s really the worst thing in the world. It’s not.
The worst thing in the world is losing people you love; spending the rest of your life missing them and wishing you’d been more present in their life. Even worse than that is still continuing to withhold yourself from those that are still alive. Not letting them know everyday how much you love and care about them because you are too wrapped up in your own crap to reach out. Yeah, that’s worse because you know better; they can be lost in an instant and then you’d be adding another piece of baggage to the pile. Not the best way to live life I can assure you. Time marches on whether you participate in life or not and you cannot get the moments you wasted back.
So, because I have no interesting pieces of fan fiction bubbling up inside me; I’m not an amazingly talented actor/writer/director/singer-songwriter even though I desperately wish I was; and I’m still too afraid to put my art out there (hell, I’m still too afraid to produce it most of the time for fear of failure, but that’s another baby step for another day), I’m going to put another talent I have to use: my thinking and analyzing skills.
In junior high I was given by some friends a “Dear Abby” type of award. (I still have the little figurine too. I need to dig that out when I’m in California next and bring it back home with me.) I’ve always been the advice dispenser. It is something good that comes out of my hiding (or lurking in the fan fic world). I stand on the side-lines and watch; trying to figure out people and life in general. I get things on a level that others don’t. I can see problems from a perspective some people can’t. Also, I’ve spent half my life now trying to heal my own wounds - that’s a lot of therapy hours, self-help books and self-help discussions on TV. Not surprising since at one point I was studying to become a psychologist and find myself thinking I really should go back and pursue it. Also, I discovered long ago that my desire to study people, learn what makes them they way they are and to figure out this thing called life is what fuels my interest in theatre, TV, movies and books.
A co-worker keeps telling me I need to write a book because I always know how to help her and give the best advice. While it’s flattering beyond belief, I know I’m no expert and just relating what I know to be true or some piece of advice that I’m trying to put into action in my own life. All of which is easier said than done to be sure.
I’m really going to do my best to keep this about me and not speak on behalf of the other people in my life. That said, there are people in my life and I’ll want to mention them from time-to-time as stories and writing warrant. Most won’t give a crap about being anonymous; some might really want to be. I’m not all that clever so even if I do use nicknames to protect the innocent, people that know me will still be able to figure out who they are so is it even worth the effort? I don’t know. We shall see as we move along. And if anyone actually reads this, they can let me know their opinion, especially if they are the person in question.
DAILY ACCOUNTING*:
Went to bed way too late so got up way too late. Laundry and dishes done though still no real progress on b-day present for youngest niece. Read, wrote and chatted with my cousin. Ate poorly today too.
Hours before I need to be awake for work: 8.
YESTERDAY’S ACCOUNTING:
Showered and out of the house by 10am (on a Saturday! – yea me!!!). Picked-up book and dvds from the library then headed to the movies. Saw TIME TRAVELER’S WIFE and HALF-BLOOD PRINCE (2nd time) then did some shopping before church. Ate dinner while watching ELLA ENCHANTED, wasted a colossal amount of time on the computer, then chatted with middle niece and her friend on facebook until after 4am. Laundry and dishes still not done. No progress on b-day present for youngest niece and ate pretty poorly.
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