Do me a favor and live your life fully. I don’t want you to end up like me. Do better than I have. Don’t hide and isolate; stuffing your pain inside. I’m not hiding anything. I wear it as extra weight that creates even more problems, adding its own brand of pain to it all.
The way out of the pain is to go through it and the best way is to share what you are feeling with others. Talking and crying helps, at the right times, with people who truly understand. Talking helps you make sense of it all; it helps wrap your brain around whatever it is you are dealing with so you can fix it; manage it; deal with it; overcome it; or just survive it. Crying purges and cleanses; it gets feelings out in a visceral way nothing else can touch. I miss my friend Anna because she knew how to let someone cry. She would hold my hand and rub my back and bring me water and Kleenex. She would sit there while I sobbed; horrible, gut-wrenching, keening sounds trying to get the pain out. I miss that because I can’t do that for myself. I can’t bare it alone so I let some tears flow then make myself move on with out really letting the well run dry.
She was so amazing, my friend Anna. She saw me through a lot of crap those first few years in NYC when I first began dealing with having been sexually abused as a child, plus all the new startling revelations about cousins on both sides of the family have been sexually abused as well. Then again, she hid her pain, never letting us help her. Don’t be that way. You can’t just give, you have to learn how to receive. It’s disrespectful to those who love you to not let them give back. It’s another form of with-holding, hiding and controlling. Let it out; let go. I’m not saying do it with just anyone and everyone - that's a "hell no." Trusting the wrong person with your deepest feelings will only cause you more pain. When you find those people who get you, cherish those relationships and tend to them closely.
It should be an even exchange, not all about you and not all about them. It will go in cycles, of course, just be careful of those that will suck you dry without a thought. And don’t be the person that is toxic. The healthier you are mentally and emotionally, the easier that will be. This is why I say start learning that shit now while you’re young so you can deal with things as they happen instead of letting them pile up until you are so fucked-up you feel beyond help. Personally, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a person that’s beyond help but the more baggage you have the harder the whole processes is. And, as I am one of those with a mountain of baggage, listen to the expert.
I’m going to be forty-fucking-years-old and I’m still a teenager emotionally and socially. It’s so sick and pathetic. I don’t want you to end up here.
My fondest wish for you, for all you of girls, is to grow-up into strong, confident women; women who live life and don’t shy away from it. My friends Bluebird and Diversity are like that. I’d say my friend Nightingale is about half-way between. She makes many more forays into life than I do but still retreats and hides.
Half-way is bullshit. Jump in all the way. I’m not saying be stupid and throw caution to the wind; that’s not the same thing at all. I’m saying say yes to life and opportunities as scary as they may be. Try new things. Don’t be afraid to fail; you learn more by failing than by succeeding.
Most of all, don’t be afraid of being hurt. It’s a natural part of life. It is a fact that you are going to get hurt, get used to it. Your choice is whether to hurt yourself by hiding or live and let life bring what pain it will to your doorstep. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised that there is more good than bad waiting out there for you. If you live consciously with your eyes open and listening to your intuition, dealing with what really is instead of romanticizing or dramatizing or just plain wishing it was different, you’ll find you won’t get hurt as much as you think.
I think wishing my life away may be the biggest sin I've committed. I spent too many years fighting the truth of my life instead of embracing it. And I mean things I could never change like my dad's death and losing my twin brother. I was told once that if I was going to play the "what if" game I needed to play it to it's conclusion and to look at both sides. The was the best thing anyone could have ever done for me. Instead of mourning all the wonderful ways my life would have been better had my father lived, I had to accept that perhaps God spared me from something worse than the crap I've had to deal with. Try to look at everything from more than just one perspective; you may find what you're looking for if you see the whole elephant and not just the trunk.
Eckhart Tolle talks about “thought-created problems” in his book THE HEALING POWER OF NOW. He’s really on to something. We let our minds run amok and create problems where there were none. The best thing you can do for yourself is to take classes on interpersonal skills and relationships; how to talk to people and have conversations about the difficult things. THAT is the stuff you will use in every facet of your life. If you grew up in a dysfunctional home these are DEFINITELY not skills you have. They count towards your college degree so take them already. For those not in college, boy do I have a list of books for you to read.
***I told you I suck at nicknames. Anna doesn’t get one because I’ve been trying to track her down and cannot find her (talk about falling off the face of the earth) so the chances of her reading this are zero and just in case she does I want her to know I still think about her and wish I hadn’t lost track of her. I’m so anal I’ve started a legend for myself so I can keep track of the nicknames I’ve given others. Yeesh. Bluebird, Diversity and Nightingale? Seriously? I think I’m stuck with them now too. *shudders, sighs and tries to move the fuck on*
DAILY ACCOUNTING:
Once again stayed up way to late and did not get enough sleep. Still, I got up and made it to work on time. Ate a bit better today. Made some progress on the birthday present. Started using the peace sign instead of my middle finger during my moments of road rage and I have to say it did make it better!!!!
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