The series of pieces I wrote on Sunday/Monday are still not done. I will finish it/them this weekend, though I may hold off from publishing them for another week since I’ll be at a scrapbook retreat next weekend. We’ll see how it goes.
The other night in one of my “desperately want to be asleep but I am not” moments, I wrote the following. After yesterday’s topic, it seemed appropriate to slot it in now…not to mention the fact that I’m dead tired right now and hoping that I can get 8 hours in tonight. Wish me luck!!!
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It’s 2:40am and I’m still awake. What used to be my favorite time of day is beginning to become my least. All the fears and insecurities swirling inside my head are taunting me as I lay in my lonely bed. How did I end up here? This is so not the life I expected to lead.
Nevertheless, it is what it is and only I have the power to change it.
How do you become someone different though? I only know how to be who I am. I am not a person who connects easily with others. It takes a long time for me to let people in (unless we just click but that doesn’t happen a whole lot and especially not with men.) I’m awkward and self-conscious; unsure of what to do or say or how to be. I feel like when I let myself shoot from the hip I say the wrong thing.
I’m not a fan of small talk; left to my own devices I don’t know how not to be intense. I’m really good at the deep things but nothing in between. Of course, I can play the game for short bursts of time as needed to get through the day but when it comes down to it I am a loner. I don’t really fit in most places and even on the rare instances I do feel comfortable, in my mind, I am still on the fringe.
Ironically, several of my friends do not understand this image I have of myself. They think much more highly of me than I think of myself. I tell myself it is because they don’t really see “my ugly side” when in fact I think it is because I have no compassion towards myself most of the time.
I know I am alone and lonely because I have created a life that leaves me that way. So how do you change that? How do you begin to look at yourself as someone who is worthy of loving and being loved in return? How do you consistently make healthy choices that will create the life you want?
It’s a little crazy that the more I get a handle on how my brain works and am able to control my thoughts and emotions, the more it seems I do other stupid things to sabotage myself. It is really frustrating to feel like the life you’ve always wanted is within reach only to have it yanked away. And the sad thing is, unlike the Peanuts where it was always Lucy causing Charlie Brown to fall when she pulled the football back, it is me doing it to myself.
Where are the easy answers, quick fixes, magic wands and fairy godmothers when you really need them? Oh right…they only exist in children’s stories and this is real life – messy and complicated.
DAILY ACCOUNTING
About 6 hours last night. Good food choices today, especially while at the grocery store tonight. Very proud. Also have to say mentally been doing well too. So, whether anyone else ever reads this blog or not, it is helping me!!!
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