Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Day 4 of Decluttering Challenge


I woke up and started to feel overwhelmed again. I shut it down immediately. All I have to do this moment is get ready for work and leave the house. I do not need to think about or deal with the mess until later. I think it is time to decide on my positive nightly affirmation. Supposedly writing it out 10 times before I sleep for two weeks helps change the tape that runs in your mind. I also need a bite-sized plan for days the overwhelm hits.  I also think it's important for me to remember that using my time to triage is okay.  I don't have to make all the decisions and get rid of everything RIGHT NOW.  It's all a process.  The clutter and mess didn't accumulate in one day or week, so it's going to take a while to get rid of it, especially when it's not just about the stuff.  This process is equally about my mind and feelings.  It's about deciding what's really important and where I want to be a year from now, five years from now.

So today I just tried to be gentle with myself.  I only climbed 13.25 flights of stairs; however, I also walked 2.75 miles with my accountability partner (walking therapy!).  I took the two bags and two boxes to Goodwill then ran through a drive through to pick-up dinner.  I did 20 minutes of cleaning and about 45 minutes of decluttering.  

I did not write out an affirmation but I think I finally formed one as I was falling asleep.  If it sticks, I'll reveal it in tomorrow's post.  As for the bite-sized plan, I have a started a list of things I know I want to get done and can use those for days when I look around and instead of being inspired to declutter, I just want to crawl into bed.  I'll throw that list in a post sometime too.  For now, I'm just so tired that I'm going to sleep.


TODAY OVERALL
DONATED: 35 153
TRASHED: 6 51
TOTAL: 41 ITEMS 204 ITEMS

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Day 3 of Decluttering Challenge


I'm exhausted.  I have been going full-steam ahead for about five days now and I am seriously, bone-weary tired.  I want nothing more than to just stop, climb in bed and read until I fall asleep.  I'm looking around and it's just all too much.  Yes, I'm clearing out and cleaning up but then I have to take out the garbage and get the donation piles out of the house.  It just doesn't stop and there's always something that needs to be done.  I'm feeling overwhelmed again.

I look around and realize I need the two boxes and two giant garbage bags full of donations out of the house now so I loaded them up in my car to be taken to Goodwill tomorrow.  I came back in and grabbed the first thing that caught my attention - more stupid bags.  There is no end to my stockpile and I know I will continue to unearth more.  I'm tired of all the decision making and confronting my stuff.  While the last few days, I have been feeling proud of my accomplishments and liberated by the releases I've made, today I feel shame.  I'm ashamed that I live in such clutter and mess.  I'm ashamed that I have accumulated so much stuff.  I'm ashamed by the consumerism and waste.  It's disgustingly excessive, just like the flab on my body.

I have a choice to make.  I can give into the dark feelings, let them drag me down into the mire.  I can choose to drown them with food or avoid them while I bury my nose in a book/tv show/internet surfing.  It would be so easy to let the feelings take over like have too many times before.  I look around and this time, instead of giving in to the despair, I keep going.  I pick-up the purse and take it to the drawer that's almost completely full of bags I've chosen to keep already and I place it inside.  As I walk back down the hall, I decide to just tackle whatever I see that annoys me.  This is clearly not the same focused approach I had been following the past few days and that's okay.  I don't feel the same way tonight and I need to honor that while still getting something done.  I also didn't follow the one touch rule tonight; instead, I worked on gathering some like things together in boxes.  These boxes of things will have to be gone through eventually but I am not in a decision making mood tonight so this is the best I can do.  My release total may be low for the day but I still made progress.  I emptied some small shoebox size bins, consolidated some art supplies and got rid of some junk.

I definitely paused to acknowledge the things I was feeling.  I think that's an important part of the work I am doing.  So much so that I am not using the TV or music while I work.  That's right, I've been spending all this time going through my belongings and cleaning up the mess with only my own thoughts for company.  That was a purposeful decision on my part as I think mindfulness, being present, maintaining focus and really thinking about my life as it is and how I want it to be is a vital key to making this project a success.  If I don't deal with the feelings, I will end up right back in this same place and I don't ever want to be here again.  So I keep going because I can't get out of the mess I am in if I stop and wallow in the feelings.  I've been indulging my feelings for years and years and all it's gotten me is fat, unhappy and drowning in stuff.  So I can't afford not to keep going.  Besides, I am really only obligated to spend 15 minutes per day decluttering. That's such a ridiculously small  amount of time that I have to do it.  I would feel like a complete loser if I didn't do at least that much and the time for self-punishment is over, so I just do it.  (There's that Nike motto again!)

Did I get as much done tonight as I have the past few days?  No.  Did I work on the zone I had planned to?  No.  Did I get something done?  Yes.  Did I get more than the minimum 15 minutes?  Yes.  I also got 20 minutes of cleaning done and made dinner for the 4th day in a row.  All of that was after attending a 2-hour PFLAG meeting tonight.  I also walked two miles and climbed 18.25 flights of stairs today.

So today's lesson is about feeling like you want to quit and give up while continuing to move forward anyway.  As Dr. Phil is fond of saying, "If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you always got."  Well, I want something more and better so that's just not even an option.


TODAY OVERALL
DONATED: 10 118
TRASHED: 4 45
TOTAL: 14  163 

Monday, November 2, 2015

Day 2 of Decluttering Challenge

Spent about an hour on decluttering tonight. Still working in the bedroom. Emptied another storage bin, this one full of bags/purses. I understand why Marie Kondo advocates working on categories versus rooms or areas. Bringing all the items together allows you to see the volume, duplicates, etc. One of the problems for people like me is that my crap is EVERYWHERE and it takes too much time to gather from all the different locations. As I am typing, I just remembered two more places I have bags in addition to the other four I was aware of (bags and jewelry are my thing).

As I excavate, I will keep her suggestion in mind and work toward getting what I keep in one place. Lord knows this is just the first of many passes.

The good news is I released a number of the bags that I had been hanging onto for years. I hope they will bring joy to their new owners, especially my Scooby-Doo bag. 

I also went through all the pockets of my over the door organizer. Holy crap! It's just a junk organizer. I got rid of over half the crap it was holding. I am totally embarrassed to say that there were 5 pairs of broken sunglasses, 3 unused repair kits and 5 eyeglass cases hanging out in there. Kept my soft Winnie-the-Pooh case because it will make a great little first aid kit holder. Also kept my super nice safety glasses and case from when I worked at United. I can recycle/donate my cheap safety glasses when I unearth them in the craft room. 

By the way, I have 5 different things I committed to doing daily right now:
1. Decluttering for 15 minutes everyday.
2. Cleaning for 15 minutes per day.
3. Climbing stairs for the Climb IU Challenge.
4. Saying a daily affirmation.
5. Writing/chronicling my progress.

Today was the first day of #ClimbIU and I did 19 flights of stairs. This time last year I couldn't even climb one!!!  I am kicking ass at decluttering and chronicling. So far all the cleaning time has been spent in the kitchen. I am making progress and should have it clean by the time I get around to decluttering that space.

The affirmation is the only one giving me a bit of trouble. I am supposed to write it out 10 times every night before I go to bed. First, I haven't been able to narrow down my affirmation. Second, I found I like wrapping up my day in my blog post. So I may have to tweak that one to just saying a daily affirmation, which I've done. Going to bed a very happy camper for the third night in a row. The focus is keeping me out of my head and my emotions in check. That’s not to say I am not letting myself feel.  On the contrary, tonight's grief counseling session was very emotional. I am just not letting my emotions run amok. Having emotions is okay, letting them rule the day or govern all my choices is not.

TODAY OVERALL
DONATED: 31 108
TRASHED: 10 41
TOTAL: 41 ITEMS 149 ITEMS (in 3 days!)

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Day 1 of Decluttering Challenge



Today is the first official day of my 31 days of decluttering challenge.  Since I already started working in my bedroom yesterday, I decided to continue there.  Just like yesterday, I ended up doing way more than the original 15 minutes.  I even did a morning and afternoon session.  The afternoon session focused on jewelry.  I have so much jewelry and jewelry making stuff that I’m not going to go any further on the topic right now.  Let’s just say that all the time today was spent simply gathering it all up from the various nooks and crannies my jewelry migrates to, which is pretty much everywhere.  I definitely need to make a more coherent plan before I tackle the jewelry clutter.

For the morning session, I started with 4 storage bins of varying sizes that line the floor of my closet.  I didn’t end up getting rid of much compared to what was kept; however, there’s a really good reason.  One bin was filled with some of my all-time favorite sweaters.  Unfortunately, I had stopped wearing all of them because I had gained more weight and couldn't fit in to them anymore.  Now that I’ve lost 60 pounds, I can fit into some of them again and the others I kept I will fit into soon.  YAY!!! 

I know the experts say not to keep anything you can’t immediately wear; however, given my continued weight loss I’m not going to follow that rule right now.  I’ve held on to these clothes this long, it seems kind of stupid and fiscally irresponsible to ditch them now.  I am releasing anything that I don’t absolutely love or that doesn’t fit my current style (whatever that is!).  I’m thrilled to be wearing some of my favorite clothes again!!!

I kept some clothing items I probably shouldn’t have because they need repairs and I haven’t made a point of fixing them all this time.  I also couldn’t wear them so there was no motivation.  I dedicated one of the bins to repairs and plan to limit what’s kept to this one bin.  I also pledge that anything in the bin that is not repaired by the time I move in August will be pitched then.

Before I get to this next part, I need to fill in a little bit of backstory on my current living space.  In July 2011, I went from a spacious two-bedroom apartment to a cramped two-bedroom apartment.  The move was not my choice and I went from a place that I absolutely adored to one that I don’t really like.  I never intended to stay in this apartment as long as I have but the sheer amount of stuff I have has kept me rooted in place.  I made some promises to myself that I would go through everything and get rid of stuff before I moved again.  I’ve made a couple of attempts and got rid of some stuff here and there but not enough to make the thought of moving sound feasible.  Since I haven’t made good on my pledge, I haven’t moved so 4 years later I am still living in a place I hate as punishment.  I am determined to move when my lease is up this coming August so I can finally pick a living space I like and not just one that was convenient in a pinch, just another one of the many reasons for doing this challenge.

Why is all that important?  You need to know that I have boxes and storage bins EVERYWHERE.  I’m not kidding.  They line the closets and walls.  There are stacks of them in every room except the bathroom and kitchen.  There is so much it is easy to lose things or not remember where things are.  I finally unearthed a few things I’d realized I’d been missing since I moved a while ago, but there are still some big ticket items I haven’t been able to find.  After today’s discovery, I’m hoping I will find them all as I continue the excavation process.

Hiding out in one of the bins buried in my closet was a treasure that I thought was lost forever.  I can’t tell you how relieved and happy I am to have found this item.  You see, it’s the quilt my mother made me.  I picked out all the material and the pattern then she put it together with love.  It had started fraying on the folded over edges so I had taken it with me on one of my trips to California so she could repair it.  Unfortunately, I didn’t purchase enough binding tape and we couldn’t find the right color out there.  I brought it back home with me and purchased more of the right color binding tape but I don’t know how to sew.  In the move, I put the quilt and binding tape in a gorgeous velvet pillow sham and placed it in this bin.  Time passed, I forgot what I’d done with the quilt and never looked hard enough in the bin.  I would have missed it again if I hadn’t taken a second look at the sham.  When I picked it up to put it back in the bin, I realized that it wasn’t stuffed with a pillow so I turned it over.  Through a gap in the buttons I saw a flower pattern and my heartbeat accelerated.  You see, I’d already told my mother a while back that I couldn’t find my quilt.  I was so disappointed in myself that I had lost track of something so precious to me.  Since she died two months ago, I was even more upset with myself since she’d never be able to make me another one.  When I unbuttoned the sham to reveal the quilt my mother made me, I started weeping tears of joy, gratitude, happiness and love.  It was one of the first quilts my mom made and, of course, I picked an unusual pattern so it wasn’t the easiest to make either.  It’s not perfect and definitely shows signs of wear and use.  Still, I love it just as much as I always have…possibly even more now.  The sheer joy in finding it is enough to make my month.  I just wanted to wrap myself up in it and never move.  I held it, smelled it, caressed it, wept into it, completely unfolded it and then re-folded it again.  Part of the point of this challenge is to stay focused and not indulge in depressive emotions and thoughts.  That’s not to say I am stuffing down my feelings and not mourning my mom because when I need to cry, I cry.  Given all the discussions she and I had about feeling crushed under the weight of the sheer volume of stuff that surrounded each of us, I know moving forward is honoring her more than crawling under the quilt and never surfacing would.  Besides, it still needs some TLC and I want to do some research on how to preserve it since it now holds even more significance to me.  I have what I need to fix it and will enlist the help of an expert to get it repaired as soon as possible.  I don’t think I will use it on my bed the way I have in the past because I don’t want it to get damaged.  However, if I can safely hang it on the wall, I plan to hang it in my bedroom.  Not sure if I will hang it up in my current bedroom since I plan on moving in less than a year.  Then again, I’ve missed it so much and it’s a beautiful reminder of my mom that I may just do it.

Today’s lesson was that when you have too much stuff, you can’t keep track of prized possessions.  My mom’s quilt will be a constant reminder not to accumulate more stuff than I need or have space for moving forward.

TODAY                                                  OVERALL
ITEMS DONATED:                       23                                                           77
ITEMS TRASHED:                       17                                                            31
RELEASE TOTAL:                  40 ITEMS                                            108 ITEMS (in 2 days!)

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Dent



Even though the official start to the challenge isn’t until tomorrow, I was feeling inspired to get to work today.  Since I’ve been avoiding this for years now, I decided to honor the urge starting with the pile of shoes at the end of the coffee table in the living room. 

I don’t have a huge collection of shoes; however, it seems that way since they are everywhere except in the shoe cubby storage unit I own.  One reason is that I can’t get to the shoe cubby because of the crap piled in front of it and another reason is I tend to kick my shoes off before I get to my bedroom where the shoe cubby is; hence, the large pile of shoes in the living room.  Once I have more work done, I plan to move the shoe cubby storage center so that’s it is right next to the door since that’s where my shoes tend to migrate.  That should make them easier to keep organized.

I did way more than 15 minutes because when I started to move the crap in front of the shoe cubbies, I decided to just tackle those piles too instead of moving them to be dealt with later.  All the experts say to only touch items once.  Apparently, the more you handle an item the more attached to it you become even if you haven’t used it in forever or don’t really like it.

The biggest emotional release of the day was getting rid of my all-time favorite pair of shoes.  I can't even remember the last time I wore them but it was probably before my ankle surgery in 2011.  If they weren't falling apart, I would have kept them.  Instead, I took pictures and released them.  I will be on the hunt for another pair as they always made me feel beautiful and like I could kick ass!!!

Once I tackled the offending piles and all of the shoes, I decided to do a quick sweep of my closet.  I went through everything that was hanging up deciding on first glance if the item should stay or go.  I’ll definitely need to go back through the items but it was a great first pass.

It was awesome to finally make some progress and make a dent in the mess that has been swallowing my life.  I got more done today with my new outlook and determination than I have in a very long time.  So exciting!!!

I decided to follow Becky Higgins’ advice and keep track of the number of items I am releasing so here are today’s numbers:

ITEMS DONATED:                             54
ITEMS TRASHED:                             14
TODAY’S RELEASE TOTAL:        68 ITEMS