Day 12 of Decluttering Challenge

I went out tonight and didn't get home until very late so no progress was made.  I really needed this night of movies and no cares so it's okay.  I had a rough day emotionally.  I was missing my mom so bad I cried off and on all day.  I realized she's the one I wanted to talk to after the break in and she's the only one I can't talk to.  That started me thinking about the holidays and wishing I'd realized that the last time I celebrated with her would be the last.  I always said goodbye as if it would be the last time yet always thinking there would be more.

I haven’t celebrated Christmas with my mom in a number of years.  I kept thinking I would get out there again for Christmas and then it just didn’t happen.  I always thought there would be another one and now there never will be.  I can’t remember the last gift she gave me.  I’ll never wake up on Christmas morning again to have her yummy scones.  She’ll never make tamales or enchiladas again.  I won’t get to hear her tell the stories about my dad again and I never recorded them.  There won't be a phone call on my birthday.  I’ll never get to hug her again or hear her say I love you.

I know there are people in this world that love and care about me but I still feel completely alone.  That's not quite accurate.  I feel more like a boat with no anchor adrift on the ocean.  It's not a feeling I've ever had before and I don't know what to do with it.  I'm in an awkward spiral that I know I need to stop before it gets out of control but I also feel justified in feeling out of control right now.

I am going to do my darnedest to get back on track tomorrow, even if it is just the minimums.  The focus, even when I stumble across something that triggers memories, is good and helps keep the emotions manageable.  So here's to being fully back on track tomorrow!

	TODAY	OVERALL
DONATED:	0	282
TRASHED:	0	93
TOTAL:	0	375