Saturday, June 26, 2010

not avoiding

So I just wanted to say, I am not avoiding dealing with or explaining the weirdness that happened this past month. I'm just physically exhausted; not feeling well with the ear and sinus infection. Not to mention that I was BURIED in e-mail and am still working to get that taken care of. Also, I've been focusing on my apartment. I've lived here for one year and four months and I am still not fully moved in. Then there is the fact that I've bee sick off and on for six months so there was a bit of cleaning, de-cluttering and organizing that needed to happen before I can even begin to focus on finishing decorating, etc.

Then there is the whole not sleeping for a full-night. I sleep for a few hours, I'm up for a few hours, I sleep for a few hours. A lot of it has to do with my back and sinuses. Hopefully, after I get the steroid injection in my back this coming week, the sleeping will get better.

On top of that, I am still processing some of what transpired. Here's the easy part to explain:

Three things happened at once to cause my entire body to just shutdown and re-boot. (It wasn't a mental breakdown or anything like that, it was more take your body to zero and start over.) The first thing was all the medical crap of the last six months coming to a head and ending with steroid induced psychosis. The second was the major source of stress in my everyday life up and moved away. To me it was completely out-of-the-blue so my body went from being wound up tight as a drum to loosey goosey in two weeks. The third was that my nephew Derrick should have graduated from high school and turned 18. I feel HORRIBLE that the day I was admitted to the hospital was his birthday because it was his parents that were here helping me. Not the way I would have ever wanted them to spend that day or time of year, I assure you.

That's the nutshell version which will be enough for some, not enough for others. I know it's not enough for me so there will be more posts to come. I'm just taking it easy and not putting any pressure on myself, which is nice for a change. The new joke is that I'm a recovering perfectionist and control freak. Truer words were never spoken!!!!

Quick medical timeline then I'm done for today:

  • September/October 2009 - I went to the Endodontist regarding a tooth pain. The tooth looked fine but my sinuses were inflamed. Assumed I was getting a sinus infection when the antibiotics worked.
  • December 8, 2009 - My body's birthday present to me was for the tooth pain to come back. Started another course of antibiotics but this time when the Endodontist saw me he recommended I see an ENT (or Otolaryngologist) because there was a larger issue. Unfortunately, the timing was off because I was about to leave for California and wouldn't be back until the beginning of January.
  • Christmas Day 2009 - Pain came back. Endodontist put me on a long course of antibiotics to get me through until I could get home.
  • January 2010 - Waiting to see Otolaryngologist was EXCRUCIATINGLY painful. The weird dental pain was inflamming my sinuses which gave me a constant headache and wreaked havoc with my jaw joints.
  • February 2010 - Finally saw Otolaryngologist and was sent for a CT Scan. As a side benefit, found out that I have a deviated septum that favors the right side, which has allowed the middle turbinate to enlarge. CT Scan revealed that it was a dental issue. After the Endo and Oto doctors consulted, my Endo and I decided that he should go into the roots and jaw so dental surgery was scheduled.
  • March 2010 - One week before the dental surgery, I woke-up one morning with a pinched nerve on my right side. Rescheduling the surgery wasn't an option, unless I wanted to wait another month, which I most certainly did NOT want to do. Good news is that my Endo found the cause of the problem when he went exploring after he did two root-end resections. There was a broken off root tip left in my jaw from a difficult tooth removal back in 2003. We couldn't see it on regular dental x-rays because it was behind my cheek bone. Why it laid dormant for so long is anyone's guess. My assumption is that the dental work last June awakened it and caused inflammation/irritation which set off this comedy of errors.
  • April 2010 - Finally get an MRI so that we find out I have a bulging disk pinching a nerve.
  • May 2010 - Finally get in to see Neuro-Surgeon and we decided to go the non-surgical route. I start with 50mg of Elavil, an anti-depressant that also has been successful treating nerve pain. Everything is fine for a few weeks and then it is not fine and I am back to not being able to get out of bed. My dose is upped to 100mg of Elavil on Monday, May 24th. On Friday, the pain was not any better. He switches me to Gabapentin. After taking the second dose, I have a mild allergic reaction. The on-call doctor tries to start me on Lyrica but you have to have prior approval from Insurance company so instead starts me on oral steroids. I take the "shock dose" on Saturday afternoon. The pain lessens but never quite goes away. However, it is a MAJOR improvement as I was in soooo much pain previously that I wanted to claw my face off or die.

    The steroids are a 6-day step down pack. Everyday that I took one less pill, the pain increased. I hadn't slept much the week prior because of the amount of pain I was in; now the steroids were giving me super energy so I was still not sleeping much. Now I have to go to work and I'm feeling better but not sleeping. This stresses me out because I know we are short-handed and there is a ton of work that needs to be done. And here is where the loopy effects of the steroids shows there maybe something more going on because me + steroids + stress was not fun. Me + steroids + no-stress was very chill.

I'm going to stop here for now as I am sleepy again so I'm going back to bed. Next post will continue medical section of the saga.



Saturday, January 2, 2010

Day 2

I met Liz this fall when she spoke at the University. She's as lovely and lively in person as she appears in interviews. I'd wanted to read her book for a long time and having the opportunity to get her autograph provided the motivation to buy a copy. Still, I didn't start reading right away. I wanted to spend a weekend in bed so I could finish it at once but was just too busy to make that happen. As I was packing for my Christmas trip and trying hastely to decide what book I should take to read my eyes settled on this one so I tucked it in my bag. Of course it helps that she and I share the same outlook on spirituality. I found this book delightful and insightful. It will be a text I refer to again and again. I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Day 1


So I'm attempting my own Project 365 this year. My goal is to post something on my blog everyday and create a layout every week. I'm plannning to use templates by BioGraffiti and SuzyQ Scraps' Jumbo Journey Kit as the base for the scrapbook portion of my P365.

For now the photos will stay trapped on my phone, but I hope to have a digital camera sooner rather than later (can you say 'tax refund'?). Todays photo is of my new sheets. I'm including a photo I found on-line; however, I have to say that the background on mine is much darker and more purple than pink. It was really nice to come home from my trip to fresh linens on my bed. I slept very well.

I'm participating in a
challenge at The DigiChick. So here is the text for the LO I haven't made yet:

  1. I hope to complete a P365 this year, how ever it may look.
  2. I dream of finishing all the half-done projects I've started over the years.
  3. I wish that I could stop being so negative about myself to myself.
  4. I want to become healthier in mind, body and spirit.
  5. I will finish moving into my apartment so I can host a monthly game night and other get togethers.
  6. I hope to manage my money better.
  7. I dream of growing even more comfortable in my own skin.
  8. I wish I felt more confident about my artistic choices and abilities.
  9. I want to feel worthy and deserving of a life partner.
  10. I will continue to show up and see what happens.

Crap! Did I just make a list of New Year Resolutions? How very cliched of me!!!! ;-)

Monday, November 23, 2009

tears

I just feel like crying today. Not really sure why. No particular reason. Not really feeling depressed or anything. Just feeling like I need to cry and mourn for all that's been lost; all that should have been and never was or will be; all the mistakes and the triumphs too. I need to cry for the person I am and the one I will never be and the one I really hope to become. I need to cry for the moments I let slip by and the moments I never would have had no matter how hard I tried. I need to cry right now, so I'm going to.

Monday, October 12, 2009

have a little faith

I see it's been a month since my last post. Wow. Time just flew by. I wish I could say I'd done something fabulous in that amount of time but I haven't. People in my circle of influence have died and others have gotten sick. Some have gotten better and others probably won't. No babies have been born but an impending arrival has been announced. Simply put...life is happening all around. Time marches on whether you are ready for it or not. I heard this song playing in the background of the latest episode of ABC's Brothers & Sisters. It just seemed to express what I'm feeling right now. It's not the song you all think it is, that one is called "Have a little faith in me" slight difference in title yields totally different lyrics. The title below is linked to a youtube video of him performing live so it sounds a bit different than if you were to go buy the track but it's just as great if not even better....

Have A Little Faith as sung by Michael Franti

I know it's hard when you're down
and the bad times seem to follow you around
and they got no reason to show
Don't let it go, oh no
and when it's 3 in the morn
and you've told your whole life story to a telephone
and the radio's the only thing to let you know
You're not alone, oh no

Just have a little faith in me
I'll have a little faith in you
So have a little faith in me
Don't let it go, oh no
And I wish I was there
Just to run my own fingers through your worries and cares
Even though I fumble and fall
Don't let it go, oh no

and when the rain falls down
You know the flower's gonna bloom
and when the hard times come
You know the teacher's in the room
and when the sun comes up
You know that I'll be there for you

Don't let it go, oh no
Just have a little faith in me
I'll have a little faith in you
Uh huh
So have a little faith in me
Don't let it go, oh no

Just have a little faith in me
Uh huh
I'll have a little faith in you
So have a little faith in me
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go

Just be strong for me
I'll be strong for you
Just be strong for me
I'll be strong for you
Just be strong for me
I'll be strong for you
Just be strong for me

Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go
Don't let it go

Oh...
Don't let it go

Oh...
Don't let it go

Oh...
Don't let it go
Don't let it go

Written by Trevor Rabin and Michael Keaton
Lyrics copyrighted by Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

oops

Two days without a post and I pretty much got nothing for you today either. Also haven't finished the stuff I started writing last week either. I'm such a slacker! Actually, more like trying not to stress myself out since it seems like I've been trying to do that lately. Why is it that the closer I get to feeling really good about myself and my life the more I do things to undermine it? I understand it from a clinical point-of-view but I HATE it. That may be the worst part of the whole thing. If I could grow and keep moving forward, this shit would be more tolerable. However, all the back sliding and self-sabotaging makes it pretty damn awful. (It may not sound like it but I really am trying to be nicer to myself.)

Probably won't be many posts this week. I realized I was putting myself under way too much pressure and that it was contributing to my everyday craziness more than it was helping. It gets into my "all or nothing" problem; I forget there is a middle ground....

DAILY ACCOUNTING - Friday, Saturday and Sunday
Did a good job of honoring 9-11 without sucking myself into a depression. Had a low-key weekend since I was having "female issues." Feeling pretty good about food choices. Wish I had accomplished something concrete this weekend but I didn't. (Again with the pressure!) Will need to step up the preparations for this coming weekend if I have a prayer of getting anything done on our big scrap weekend. Still not done reading THE TIME TRAVLER'S WIFE either. I love it; but it is not a sit down and devour in one sitting kinda book. Loving VAMPIRE DIARIES but not more than TWILIGHT SAGA. Latest look at NEW MOON is going to haunt my waking and sleeping moments. Isn't it November yet?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

not what i expected

The series of pieces I wrote on Sunday/Monday are still not done. I will finish it/them this weekend, though I may hold off from publishing them for another week since I’ll be at a scrapbook retreat next weekend. We’ll see how it goes.

The other night in one of my “desperately want to be asleep but I am not” moments, I wrote the following. After yesterday’s topic, it seemed appropriate to slot it in now…not to mention the fact that I’m dead tired right now and hoping that I can get 8 hours in tonight. Wish me luck!!!

*********************

It’s 2:40am and I’m still awake. What used to be my favorite time of day is beginning to become my least. All the fears and insecurities swirling inside my head are taunting me as I lay in my lonely bed. How did I end up here? This is so not the life I expected to lead.

Nevertheless, it is what it is and only I have the power to change it.

How do you become someone different though? I only know how to be who I am. I am not a person who connects easily with others. It takes a long time for me to let people in (unless we just click but that doesn’t happen a whole lot and especially not with men.) I’m awkward and self-conscious; unsure of what to do or say or how to be. I feel like when I let myself shoot from the hip I say the wrong thing.

I’m not a fan of small talk; left to my own devices I don’t know how not to be intense. I’m really good at the deep things but nothing in between. Of course, I can play the game for short bursts of time as needed to get through the day but when it comes down to it I am a loner. I don’t really fit in most places and even on the rare instances I do feel comfortable, in my mind, I am still on the fringe.

Ironically, several of my friends do not understand this image I have of myself. They think much more highly of me than I think of myself. I tell myself it is because they don’t really see “my ugly side” when in fact I think it is because I have no compassion towards myself most of the time.

I know I am alone and lonely because I have created a life that leaves me that way. So how do you change that? How do you begin to look at yourself as someone who is worthy of loving and being loved in return? How do you consistently make healthy choices that will create the life you want?

It’s a little crazy that the more I get a handle on how my brain works and am able to control my thoughts and emotions, the more it seems I do other stupid things to sabotage myself. It is really frustrating to feel like the life you’ve always wanted is within reach only to have it yanked away. And the sad thing is, unlike the Peanuts where it was always Lucy causing Charlie Brown to fall when she pulled the football back, it is me doing it to myself.

Where are the easy answers, quick fixes, magic wands and fairy godmothers when you really need them? Oh right…they only exist in children’s stories and this is real life – messy and complicated.


DAILY ACCOUNTING
About 6 hours last night. Good food choices today, especially while at the grocery store tonight. Very proud. Also have to say mentally been doing well too. So, whether anyone else ever reads this blog or not, it is helping me!!!